Tips for
Mentors: Children and Fear
of War and Terrorism
Internet Safety Tips
Cyber Safe City, a national
internet safety recognition
program created by MSN and
the National Center for
Missing and Exploited
Children, has developed the
following tips aimed at
children using the internet.
* Trust your instincts. If
you feel nervous about a web
experience, tell an adult.
* Remember you're not
invisible online; choose
your screen name carefully
and do not give out your
address, phone number, or
other personal information.
* Think before you type. If
you wouldn't feel
comfortable saying something
in front of an adult; don't
say it online.
* Respect others online and
respect their property.
Manners still apply when
you're sitting in front of
the computer, and making
illegal copies of music,
video games, and programs is
just like stealing them from
a store.
* Never meet online friends
in person. Sometimes online
friends might not be who
they say they are.
* Don't believe everything
you read. Remember that not
everything you read online
is true; ask your parents
about something if you're
not sure.
Parents: Help
protect your children
online. Review these
precautions with them and
make sure they understand
the possible dangers in
cyberspace!
Tips for
Mentors: Children and Fear
of War and Terrorism
National
Association of School
Psychologists
Terrorist attacks in our
country and threats or
realities of war are
frightening experiences for
all Americans. Children may
be especially fearful that
threatened or actual
military action overseas
will result in more personal
loss and violence here at
home. Because repeated
scenes of destruction of
lives and property are
featured in the news media,
they understand that
“enemies of the United
States” can cause harm in
this country.
Adults need to help children
feel safe at a time when the
world seems to be a more
dangerous place. Parents
and teachers in particular
must help youngsters
understand current events
factually, how events do or
do not impact their lives,
and how to handle their
emotional reactions. The
degree to which children are
affected will vary depending
on personal circumstances.
Children who have suffered a
personal loss from, or had
firsthand exposure to,
terrorist acts or military
actions will be much more
vulnerable. Also at greater
risk are children whose
parents are in the military
or in active duty in the
reserve forces, and those
children whose parents are
involved in emergency
response or public safety.
All children, however, are
likely to be affected in
some way by war or terrorism
involving our country. For
many, the guidance of caring
adults will make the
difference between being
overwhelmed and developing
life-long emotional and
psychological coping skills.
Teachers and caretakers can
help restore children’s
sense of security by
modeling calm and in-control
behavior. It is crucial to
provide opportunity for
children to discuss their
concerns and to help them
separate real from imagined
fears. It is also important
to limit exposure to media
coverage of violence.
Emotional
Responses
Emotional responses vary in
nature and severity from
child to child.
Nonetheless, there are some
similarities in how children
(and adults) feel when their
lives are impacted by war or
the threat of war:
-
Fear: Fear may be
the predominant
reaction--fear for the
safety of those in the
military as well as fear
for their own safety.
Children's fantasies of
war may include a mental
picture of a bomb being
dropped on their home.
While their worries are
probably exaggerated, they
are often based on real
images of terrorist
attacks or war scenes.
When children hear rumors
at school and pick up bits
of information from
television, their
imaginations may run wild.
They may think the worst,
however unrealistic it may
be. Any publicized threat
of war or terrorism close
to home may also add to
their fear.
-
Loss of control:
Military actions are
something over which
children--and most
adults--have no control.
Lack of control can be
overwhelming and
confusing. These feelings
were experienced by most
people in the immediate
aftermath of the terrorist
attacks. Children may
grasp at any control that
they have, including
refusing to cooperate, go
to school, part with
favorite toys, or leave
their parents.
-
Anger: Anger is a
common reaction.
Unfortunately, anger is
often expressed at those
to whom children are
closest. Children may
direct anger toward
classmates and neighbors
because they can’t express
their anger toward
terrorists or countries
with whom we are at war.
Some children may show
anger toward parents who
are in the military, even
to the extent that they do
not want to write letters.
Knowing that those who are
involved in the military
are volunteers only helps
to justify anger.
Patriotism and duty are
abstract concepts,
especially for younger
children who are
experiencing the concrete
reality of separation from
a loved one.
-
Loss of stability:
War or military deployment
interrupts routines. It
is unsettling. Children
can feel insecure when
their usual schedules and
activities are disrupted,
increasing their level of
stress and need for
reassurance.
-
Isolation: Children
who have a family member
in the military, but who
don't live near a military
base, may feel isolated.
Children of reserve
members called to active
duty may not know others
in the same situation.
Such children may feel
jealous of friends'
undisturbed families and
may strike out at signs of
normalcy around them.
Another group of children
who may feel isolated are
dependents of military
families who have
accompanied a remaining
parent back to a hometown
or who are staying with
relatives while both
parents are gone. Not
only do these children
experience separation from
parents, but they also
experience the loss of
familiar faces and
surroundings.
-
Confusion: This can
occur on two levels.
First, children may feel
confused about terrorist
attacks and war, what
further dangers might
arise, and when the
violence will stop.
Second, children may have
trouble understanding the
difference between
violence as entertainment
and the real events taking
place on the news. Today's
children live in the world
of Armageddon,
Independence Day, Air
Force One, and cartoon
Super Heroes. Some of the
modern media violence is
unnervingly real.
Youngsters may have
difficulty separating
reality from fantasy,
cartoon heroes and
villains from the
government soldiers and
real terrorists.
Separating the realities
of war from media fantasy
may require adult help.
What Can
Parents and Mentors Do?
Everyone, including adults,
feels stressed during times
of crisis and uncertainty.
If your children or students
seem to need help beyond
what is normally available
at home or school, seek
mental health services in
your community. School
psychologists, counselors
and social workers can help
identify appropriate
services and help with the
referral process. For most
children, adults can provide
adequate support by the
following actions:
Acknowledge children's
feelings
-
Knowing what to say is
often difficult. When no
other words come to mind,
a hug and saying “This is
really hard for you/us”
will work. Acknowledge
that you don’t like war
either, but we hope that
our military can stop the
terrorists or help bring
peace to other countries.
-
Try to recognize the
feelings underlying
children's actions and put
them into words. Say
something like, “I can see
you are feeling really
scared about this," or “It
is hard to think that your
dad had to go so far away
to help our country, ” or
“I know it will feel great
when your mom comes home.”
-
Sometimes children may
voice concern about what
will happen to them if a
parent does not return. If
this occurs, try saying,
“You will be well taken
care of. You won't be
alone. Let me tell you our
plan.”
-
Some children will be
afraid that the United
States will be attacked.
Tell them this is a real
concern and life offers no
absolute promises.
Nonetheless, reassure them
that our government has
taken many steps to
prevent attacks from
terrorists and that the
military conflict is very
far away. For younger
children, saying that you
love them and will keep
them safe is often
sufficient. For older
children, you can discuss
specifics such as
heightened security in
airports and significant
public buildings.
-
At times when your
children or students are
most upset, don't deny the
seriousness of the
situation. Saying to
children, “Don't cry,
everything will be okay,"
does not reflect how the
child feels and does not
make them feel better.
Nevertheless, don't forget
to express hope and faith
that things will be okay.
-
Older children, in
particular, may need help
clarifying what they
believe about war and the
role of the United States
in the specific conflict.
Questions such as, "Could
my parent shoot someone?"
and “Are we killing
innocent people in other
countries?" are issues
which may need discussion.
-
Always be honest with
children. Share your fears
and concerns while
reassuring them that
responsible adults are in
charge.
Help children to feel
personally safe
-
Differentiate between
terrorism and war. Our
homes and schools are not
at risk. Only a very few
people in the world are
terrorists. The war itself
will be carried out far
away.
-
Help children understand
that precautions are being
taken to prevent terrorism
(e.g., bomb-sniffing dogs,
passport checks,
heightened airport
security) or attacks on
the United States. While
these efforts might seem
scary or frustrating to
children, explain that
these precautions might
actually make them safer
now than they were before.
-
Deal with fears such as
the end of the world.
Discuss what is realistic
modern technology of war
versus science fiction. If
children are imagining
Star Wars-type battles,
help them to understand
that even the most
sophisticated weapons
available are not capable
of reaching distant
targets as seen in the
movies. Let children share
their fears regarding war
in our own country, most
of which are unrealistic
and a result of rumor and
anxiety. Put these fears
in perspective as to what
is realistic.
-
Let children who are
worried about a loved one
know that the chance of
returning from a war
against terrorism is very
high. Advances in medicine
and technology have
greatly reduced potential
losses from military
actions. Our military is
very powerful and many
other countries are
helping us as they did in
the Gulf War, during which
the U.S. lost very few
lives. Acknowledge that
the loss of any life is
sad, but that their
individual family member
is likely to be fine.
-
If participation in a
faith community is part of
your family life, talk to
your faith leader about
how to help your child
think about the concepts
of death and killing, in
age-appropriate terms.
This can be very important
to calming children’s
fears for their own safety
and that of loved ones.
-
Try to maintain normal
routines and schedules to
provide a sense of
stability and security.
-
Stop children from
stereotyping people from
specific cultures or
countries. Children can
easily generalize negative
statements. Adding
tolerance curriculum to
school lessons during this
time can help prevent
harassment of students and
improve their sense of
safety.
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Help children maintain a
sense of control by taking
some action
-
Send letters, cookies or
magazines to those in the
military and public safety
jobs.
-
Help older children find a
family who has a parent on
active duty and arrange
some volunteer babysitting
times for that family or
offer to provide meals
occasionally.
If a family member is away,
make plans for some special
activities
-
Gatherings with other
families who have a loved
one on active duty can
help provide support for
you as well as for your
children.
-
Special parent and child
times can provide an extra
sense of security, which
might be needed. Let your
child know that you will
set aside a particular
half hour each day to
play. Make the time as
pleasant and child
centered as possible.
Return phone calls later
and make your child the
real focus of that special
time.
-
Involve children in
planning how to cope.
Control and ownership are
fostered when children
help to plan strategies
for dealing with a
situation. Children often
have practical and
creative ideas for coping.
Pay special attention to
children who may feel
isolated
-
Children who are new in
school due to relocation
may benefit from a special
network of “friends” to
help orient the student to
new school routines and
encourage participation in
school activities.
-
Children who are one of a
few with parents involved
in the military may need
extra attention to their
feelings of separation and
fear of loss.
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Expect and respond to
changes in behavior
-
All children will likely
display some signs of
stress. Some immature,
aggressive, oppositional
behaviors are normal
reactions to the
uncertainty of this
situation.
-
It is important to
maintain consistent
expectations for behavior.
Be sure children
understand that the same
rules apply.
-
Some children may have
difficulty at bedtime,
particularly those whose
parents are on active
duty. Maintain a regular
bedtime routine. Be
flexible about
nightlights, siblings
sharing a room, sleeping
with special toys, and
sitting with your child as
they fall asleep. Doing so
typically does not cause
life-long habits.
-
Children may play “war,”
pretend to blow things up,
or include images of
violence in artwork and
writing. This may be
upsetting to adults under
current circumstances, but
it is a normal way for
children to express their
awareness of events around
them. Gently redirect
children away from violent
play or efforts to
“replay” the terrorist
attacks, but don’t be
overly disapproving unless
the play is genuinely
aggressive. Talk with
children about their art
or written images and how
they feel. Share your
reactions. Help them to
consider the consequences
of war or terrorist
acts—what happens if a
building blows up or a
bomb explodes? For
children who seek pretend
play as an outlet,
encourage role playing of
the doctors, firemen,
policemen, etc. who have
helped to save lives. If a
child seems obsessed with
violent thoughts or images
for more than a few days,
talk to a mental health
professional.
-
Some children may be at
increased risk of suicide
because of their emotional
reaction to increased
stress and any
pre-existing mental health
problems. Consult a mental
health professional
immediately if your child
shows signs of suicidal
thinking or talk, or other
self- destructive
behaviors. (See
www.nasponline.org
for information about
helping suicidal
children.)
-
Extra support,
consistency, and patience
will help children return
to routines and their more
usual behavior patterns.
If children show extreme
reactions (aggression,
withdrawal, sleeping
problems, etc.), talk to
your school psychologist
regarding the symptoms of
severe stress disorders
and the possible need for
a referral to a mental
health agency.
Keep adult issues from
overwhelming children
-
Don't let your children
focus too much of their
time and energy on this
crisis. If children are
choosing to watch the news
for hours each evening,
find other activities for
them. You may also need to
watch the news less
intensely and spend more
time in alternative family
activities.
-
Know the facts about
developments in the war
and protections against
terrorism at home. Don’t
speculate. Be prepared to
answer your children’s
questions factually and
take time to think about
how you want to frame
events and your reactions
to them.
-
Try not to let financial
strains be a major concern
of children. Although the
economic impact of the
terrorist attacks and
resulting military action
may result in job
cutbacks, or going from a
civilian job to active
duty in the military may
cut family income,
children are not capable
of dealing with this issue
on an ongoing basis.
Telling children that you
need to be more careful
with spending is
appropriate, but be
cautious about placing
major burdens on children.
-
Take time for yourself and
try to deal with your own
reactions to the situation
as fully as possible.
This, too, will help your
children and students.
Adapted from Children and
War—Responding to Operation
Desert Storm by Debby
Waddell and Alex Thomas (Helping
Children Grow Up in the 90s,
National Association of
School Psychologists, 1992)
and modified from material
posted on the NASP website
following the September 2001
terrorist attacks.
NASP has made these
materials available free of
charge to the public in
order to promote the ability
of children and youth to
cope with traumatic or
unsettling times. The
materials may be adapted,
reproduced, reprinted, or
linked to websites without
specific permission.
However, the integrity of
the content must be
maintained and NASP must be
given proper credit.
©2002, National Association
of School Psychologists,
4340 East West Highway #402,
Bethesda, MD 20814
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